


Night and Day

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Ladyhawke (1985), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Magic, Animal Transformation, Crack Treated Seriously, Ensemble Cast, Flirting, Gen, Happy Ending, M/M, No Sex, Quests, Team Bonding, UST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 19:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine the world of Ladyhawke, where a curse separates lovers by turning one into a hawk by day, and the other into a wolf by night. Imagine Clint as the hawk, and Coulson the wolf.</p><p>Now further imagine that they aren't the only victims of this curse, and they can't break it by themselves. A quest begins, a team is born, and only the Avengers can save King Fury and Asgard.</p><p>(Originally based on an AvengerKink prompt meant to focus on Clint/Coulson, but it took on a life of its own and demanded PLOT and ensemble FEELS, and oh, good heavens, Tony Stark flirts even when he's a horse.) Characters are listed roughly in order of appearance. Loki, Nick and Maria have very small active roles). The prompt is in the end note.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve Gets Recruited

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

Night

"I really hate magic," Tony said, poking at the campfire with a stick. Wolf-Coulson padded in to drop a dead rabbit at his feet. Tony jumped. "Jesus! Warn a guy, will you?"

Clint held up his hand. Coulson sat next to him while Clint rubbed his ears. "What do you want him to do, snarl in your ear?"

"Not helping, Clint." Tony shifted and rubbed at his ass before he picked up the rabbit and began cleaning it. "And don't think I don't know you're the one who sharpened his spurs."

"I like to keep you on your toes. Hooves." Clint buried his face in Coulson's ruff, breathing in the warm, doggy scent. "Do you know where Phil's taking us?"

"I haven't the faintest idea," Tony said as he spitted the bunny and put it over the fire to cook.

"You're a crappy liar, Tony."

Tony sighed. "You know how to read the stars as well as I do. He's taking us back to Asgard to face Loki."

"Yeah. He's... getting desperate, I think." Clint stroked Coulson's fur and closed his eyes for a moment. "It's harder on him than on us. At least we can talk to each other at night."

"He's been ignoring our notes for weeks. I don't know what he's planning, but it can't be good. We should be looking for a cure, not running back into a trap."

Clint hugged the wolf hard. After a moment Coulson whined and licked his face.

Day

Coulson sat back in the saddle and tightened the reins, looking down the wooded slope that ended in a broad river. Tony danced in place briefly and then stopped, tossing his head until the bells on his bridle jingled. The island-city of Asgard lay at the end of a rainbow bridge which was always heavily guarded. Coulson turned his head to look at the bright-eyed hawk riding on his shoulder. "What do you think? Is there a way in?" He gently stroked the bird's breast feathers with one finger, listening to the soft chirrups it made in response. He took the bird on his gauntleted fist, raising it until that sharp beak was only inches from his face. Softly he said, "I wish..." before shaking his head. "Go, Clint." He tossed the hawk into the air, watching it silently while Tony shifted beneath him.

Night

"So," Tony asked as he rummaged in the saddlebags for their clothes, "what did you see?"

Clint scratched at his back where he itched after the feathers vanished. "Just the guards chasing after that poor scrawny bastard." Clint inclined his head in the direction of a nearby tree. "Looked like a drowned rat, but he has guts. I suppose that's why Phil wanted to rescue him. So I helped." 

Tony grunted and tossed Clint his clothes. "You're fast, but you're hardly invulnerable. And as a hawk you weigh, what, three pounds? One of these days someone's going to swat you out of the sky."

"Yeah, so you're the big bad heavyweight. A ton of horse makes a damn good target and you were in there bashing hell out of them right with us." Clint dressed quickly.

"I hardly have a choice. Those spurs are sharp!"

"Yeah, right, Tony. You only hang around with me and Phil for the abuse." Clint finished dressing. "I'm going to go start up a fire. The little guy's probably freezing."

"I'll be right there." Tony worked at his hair with a currycomb before giving up in annoyance and tying it back with a strip of leather.

***

The young man's chin was up defiantly as he looked back and forth between Tony and Clint. "Loki won't pay you for turning me in, you know. I'm just a kid from Dirtybrook."

"Who said anything about turning you in?" Tony asked. He added more wood to the fire. "We aren't Loki buttkissers. I'm Tony. Birdbrain over there is Clint. What's your name?" 

The young man's lips pressed tightly together. Tony rolled his eyes. "Ok, fine. I just want something to call you other than 'Dummy'." Tony poked at the kid's leg. "You're scrawny. Maybe I'll call you Twig. Or Mouse. Mouse sounds good."

"My name is Steve," the kid snapped. "I'm freeborn. You can't just tie me up like an animal!"

Clint shrugged. "Phil always has a good reason for everything he does."

"Nearly always," Tony said. "If we untie you, do you promise not to run off?"

"Sure." Steve looked at Tony with bright, clear, direct blue eyes.

Clint said, "He's good. I almost believe him. I say we leave him tied up."

"You're not the one who'll have to carry him tomorrow like a sack of grain when his legs are too numb to sit astride," Tony replied. He picked up a knife.

Steve narrowed his eyes and looked at Tony. "What are you talking about?"

Tony blinked. "Riding a horse. What do you think..." Tony suddenly grinned. "Oh, yeah. Well, you're tempting..."

"Speak for yourself, Tony." Clint added more sticks to the fire.

"As I was saying," Tony continued, "you're tempting, but I prefer more cleanly lovers."

"I'd like to see how clean you'd be after escaping the dungeons of Asgard through the sewers!" Steve said sharply.

Tony and Clint exchanged glances. Clint said, "Well, that explains why Phil's interested in you."

"He'll pay you well to help us," Tony said.

Steve tensed even further as Tony came over and cut the ropes. "My father believed in an ambitious lord's pretty words. He got a belly full of pike, an' my ma with a belly full of me. Fine Lord didn't even toss her a coin when she was too sick to scrub his marble floors."

"Sir Coulson wouldn't do that," Clint said sharply. "He takes care of his people."

"Lords are all alike," Steve said, tossing his dirty blond hair back out of his eyes.

Wolf-Coulson leaped into the clearing, carrying a wild piglet in his jaws.

Steve yelled and grabbed the knife from Tony, holding it in a hand that shook only a little. "WOLF! That's a BIG WOLF!"

Coulson dropped the piglet and sat on his haunches, lip lifted in a slight wolf grin.

Tony cleared his throat. "Please don't try to stab Sir Coulson. It makes him very irritable."

***

"So, you think your wolf-lord wants me to sneak _back_ into the dungeons." Steve scratched at his head. "And open the gates of Asgard so he can fight Prince Loki."

"Right," Tony said. He had a bottle and had been drinking steadily while Clint cleaned and spitted the pig for roasting.

"But that's crazy." Steve started counting off points on his fingers. "First, the whole reason I escaped through the sewers is because I couldn't get out of the dungeon any other way. So _if_ I go back and I don't drown, I'm stuck in a cell again!"

Tony rubbed his nose. "Well, obviously you don't come up in the same place. There must be lots of places that the sewers open to."

"And all of them have people living on top of them."

Clint poked at the meat he was cooking. "You're sneaky. You'll find a way."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Fine. Say I do get into Asgard. Point two, the gates are guarded all the time." He waggled his second finger and added another. "Point three, have you SEEN the gate guards? Have you looked at _me_? Heimdall would make four of me."

"The bigger they are...." Tony started to say.

"The harder they punch," Steve said. "Suppose that I stink so bad from the sewer the guards fall over dead and I get the gate open." He puts up a fourth finger. "Your Lord has to come in full daylight and take on an army all by himself."

Clint stabbed the pork viciously. "I've seen him defeat a band of highwaymen with a sack of meal."

Steve threw up his hands. "You ARE crazy! You don't even really know this is what your lord intends! You can't even talk to each other!"

"You'll carry messages between us." Clint sliced off a hunk of hot pork and laid it on a piece of bread. He handed the food to Steve. "Here, eat this, and go to sleep. You can tell Sir Coulson all your objections in the morning. You'll see. He'll know what to do."

Tony tipped his bottle up and finished it off, turning it upside down over his mouth to shake out the last few drops. He opened another bottle and drank from it steadily while Steve watched with an expression somewhere between disgust and awe. "One good thing about this," Tony said, "I can get pissed as a newt, but won't have a hangover in the morning." He grinned at Clint. "Clint can't even have an ale." He leaned over to give Steve a drunken confidence, in a loud voice. "Y' ever see a drunk hawk? Funniest thing in the world. There's trees, and BOOM. Feathers everywhere." Tony finished the second bottle and lay on his back. "I like the night. I love it. I don't miss the day at all. Nighttime is party time!" He spread his arms out wide. "And hey, I'm built like a horse!"

Clint threw a blanket on top of him. "You're a horse's ass, Tony."

Tony pulled the blanket over his head and giggled.

Day

Clint lowered his head and fluffed his neck feathers apologetically, sidling along a branch of the tree where Steve had been tied. There was no Steve in evidence anywhere around the campsite. Coulson picked up the pile of rope at the base of the tree and sighed at the surgically clean cut. "Tony. How can you be a genius swordsmith, and still be a total idiot with people?"

Tony was busily eating grass, but his ears twitched in acknowledgment.

"Well, he can't have got very far." Coulson offered his arm to Clint, who climbed on and looked around alertly. "Go find Steve, Clint." He tossed the hawk into the air and watched him circle before he went over to Tony. "You could have knelt to Loki, you know." Coulson got into the saddle and pulled the reins as Tony snatched one last mouthful of grass before lifting his head. "Clint and I couldn't, not without breaking fealty to King Fury, but you... you just had to be stubborn." He settled his weight and loosened the reins slightly. "Just remember, if it wasn't for me, you'd be pulling some farmer's plow, and no one wants a stallion for that."

Tony snorted and moved out at a fast trot.

***

Steve yelled when Tony thundered up beside him and Coulson grabbed him by the scruff of his vest, but being flung across the saddle in front of the knight silenced him. "You know," Coulson said calmly as they continued down the road without slackening the pace, "it really would be much simpler for you to do as I ask without unpleasantness."

"You're crazy!" Steve looked at the ground rushing past, and stopped struggling. "Prince Loki has an army! And and, he could make us all _mice_ and set the cats on us!"

"Much of his power lies in his staff. If he could be separated from that..."

"I'm a pickpocket!"

"You could be more than that."

"YOU are CRAZY! You and the horse you rode in on!" 

Clint flew overhead, screeching.

"AND YOUR BIRD!"

***

"Look," Steve said, "You can't make me go back to Asgard." He tightened his grip on the edge of the saddle in front of him. Tony's paces were smooth, but he was a big horse and the ground was a long way off.

"Can't I?" Coulson said mildly.

"No, you can't. I've been pushed around and beat up and threatened all my life! I'm used to it!" Steve squirmed. "I'm not used to riding, though. Are we in a hurry to get killed? Or can I get off and walk while my legs still work?"

Tony slowed to a walk when Coulson leaned back, offering an arm for Steve to use to climb down. "You can walk. Hold onto the stirrup." He kicked one foot free.

"Don't expect me to thank you!" Steve scuffed his worn boots in the dusty road. "Really. What's the difference between you and Loki, anyway?" He took hold of the stirrup and let the horse help carry his weight.

"From your point of view, perhaps not that much," Coulson said calmly.

"So why should I listen to you!" Steve dropped the stirrup and backed away. 

Tony turned to face him at a twitch of the reins. Coulson said, "I'm sure you couldn't care less about all the nobles who've conveniently disappeared, either transformed and exiled, or killed outright. None of them ever did you any favors. Why should you risk your neck for them? So the kingdom will go completely to hell under Loki's rule. It won't change anything for someone like you. Why would you want an opportunity to prove yourself a better man? Why would you want to feel that for once you stood up and counted for something? Why would you want to rise above the dunghill of your life to claim one golden moment of courage?" Coulson twitched the reins again and Tony turned back to the road, leaving Steve facing his broad, dust-covered, hindquarters.

Steve clenched his fists. "That's not FAIR!"

Coulson raised his arm, gloved fist high. Clint flew down, crying a loud screech as he landed on Coulson's fist. The hawk chirruped and half-spread his wings. "Life isn't fair. It takes a man to do what's right. No matter what it costs." Coulson stared into the hawk's changeable blue eyes before tossing it back up to fly again. He waited. Tony snorted noisily, shifted his hooves and then went still.

Steve muttered as he went back to grab the stirrup, "I'm not a hero. All I ever wanted was enough to get by."

"A little ambition wouldn't hurt you," Coulson said.

"It'll probably get me killed."

"Yes, well, there's that."

Night

"So," Tony said, walking out of the bushes naked, "you're still with us." He scratched his belly.

Steve pointedly looked at the fire he was building. "For now." He picked up a bundle of clothes and tossed it at Tony. "Where's Clint?"

"He'll be along in a minute." Tony pulled on a faded black shirt, and a pair of trousers that had seen better days. He added another stick to the fire. "Did you talk to Coulson?"

Steve shrugged. "He talked. He talks really pretty."

"He believes in people. It's annoying, isn't it?" Tony rummaged in a pack until he found a paper twist full of dried fruit. "Apple slice?"

Steve took a piece. "He's not going to listen to reason. I mean, so half the time you three are animals, I don't think that's so terrible. You're free and you get enough to eat, which is more than a lot of folks can say. If all Loki does to his enemies is turn them into animals, he's a lot nicer than most kings."

"Eh." Tony ate a piece of apple. Then he scratched his chin and frowned. "My beard's a mess. Never could shave at night."

"You want to be a person during the day so you can shave?"

Tony laughed, and then he nudged Steve in the ribs. "I want to be a person so I can do things." He spread his hands. "I'm a smith. Black, white, steel, copper, and silver. You name it, I can make the metal sing. Started out at my father's forge, too short to see the top of the anvil, but I could see the _spirit_ in the metal, what it was willing to be, if only I asked it right. We made weapons, good weapons. The best. My father's partner sold them to the enemy." Tony rubbed his fingers together. "I recognized the sword that nearly killed me. After that, I stopped making weapons for strangers. I make... made... armor, shields, and for my friends... the finest swords. I miss that." Tony went silent.

Steve stared into the fire. "I never had anything to miss." He fed a pine cone to the fire. It popped and sparkled bright yellow for an instant. "Lord Coulson acts like I'm someone special, like I can be a hero."

"Phil's taken a chance on people before," Clint said, walking up to the fire and spreading his hands to warm them. "I was a mercenary, before he took me on as palace guard."

" _Under_ him as palace guard," Tony said.

Clint gave Tony an exasperated look. "I told you, it's not like that. Phil's my friend, that's all."

"That's not all you want though, is it?" For once Tony sounded serious, and even sympathetic.

"Doesn't matter what I want," Clint replied. "It's what it is." He squatted down on his haunches, and looked at Steve from under his thatch of wildly spiky hair. "So, are you gonna help us, or what?"

"Like I got a choice?" Steve huffed and tossed more pine cones into the fire. 

"Kid, there's always a choice," Clint said. "Way I see it, you can act as go-between on the planning and we can try to make whatever Phil's got in mind less likely to kill us all, or you can keep pretending you're not part of us, and he can drag you along up to the gates of Asgard to watch us die."

Tony made a disgruntled noise. "Option A, Steve. I like the sound of option A."


	2. Thor and Natasha Join the Party

Day

Thor smiled pleasantly at the honor guard. Then he knocked at the door to King Fury's suite. "My liege? It is I, your nephew, Thor." He waited a minute, then opened the door and entered the suite. It was dimly lit, and the air was thick with the scent of exotic salves and ointments. He frowned at the physicians puttering around the still form occupying the massive bed at the center of the room. "Do you seek to rouse his majesty with your reeks, or to smother him?"

"My lord," the eldest physician said while bowing, "We have tried all the most advanced methods to no avail. I regret that we have been reduced to herbalist simples."

Thor grunted. "And yet he sleeps." The physicians didn't answer. Thor went over to the bed and looked at the unnaturally placid face of King Fury. "The King was never one for perfumes." He strode over to the nearest window, heavily curtained and shuttered, and reached to open it.

"No!" The physicians protested as a crowd. "Lord Thor, you must not! The outside air, the influences... in his weakened state, King Fury must..."

Thor whirled on the physicians, glaring. "Must not? You tell Lord Thor 'must not'? King Fury is no mewling babe, needing to be cosseted against the merest breeze! Get out! Get out, you stinking leeches!" He grabbed the nearest man by the back of the neck and the seat of his breeches, and strode over to the door, kicking it off its hinges and flinging the man out into the corridor between the startled honor guard. "All of you, get out!" 

The doctors fled. Thor looked at the honor guard. "My apologies. I would like to sit with my uncle without those useless quacksalvers hovering about like dungflies."

"Yes, my Lord." The senior guard saluted. "I will send for the carpenter to repair the... storm damage." 

"Thank you." Thor returned to Fury's bed, ignoring the sounds of the guards picking up the massive door and wedging it back into the doorway. He sighed. "You should have corrected me for my anger, my liege. I fear I shall never be as politic as my brother." He went to the windows one by one and opened the curtains, unbolted the shutters and threw them wide, to let in the fresh air. He leaned out of the last one and breathed deeply. "That is better."

There was a flutter of wings and a scrabble of claws at the far window. A scratchy feminine voice said, "It's about time."

Thor whirled. There was a raven, glossy purple black, sharp-eyed and sharp-clawed, perched in the sill. "Demon creature, get you gone!" Thor picked up the nearest object and threw it at the bird.

The raven leaped smoothly up to avoid the missile, which shattered against the sill. It landed in the same spot as before and cocked its head to comment, "That vase was a gift from the king of Latveria. Fury never liked it anyway."

Thor drew his eating knife. Out of courtesy, he had not entered the king's quarters with his usual armor and weapons. "Who are you? Why have you come? Are you a harbinger of death? I warn you, I shall fight you for the king's life."

"You have always been brave, Thor." The raven stropped its beak on a piece of vase. "Are you brave enough to listen to me? I came to help Fury."

"Why should I trust you?" Thor moved between the raven and the bed, knife held at ready.

The raven rolled its eyes. "Don't trust, then. Only listen and think for yourself for once, without letting Loki's silver words blind you to the truth."

"Loki is my brother. Do not speak ill of him."

"Would you rather I tell you a children's story?" the raven said contemptuously. "Would you rather not hear what happened to the court when Loki sent you away to battle the hill bandits?"

"He did no such thing! I chose to go! He argued against my leaving! He said it was too dangerous for a prince of the court!"

The raven did something with the feathers on its head, giving the effect of raising an eyebrow. "Yes. I would have expected him to say that."

Thor frowned and put away his knife. "It is... possible that Loki tricked me. But if so, it was only a prank, and there was no harm meant in it."

"No harm? Of your company, you alone returned."

"The bandits were more numerous than we expected. It was the fortunes of war, nothing more. I have lost comrades before. It is the curse of my line." Thor sounded unsure.

"Is it also the curse of your line that when you return your king is locked in an enchanted sleep, and only those loyal to your brother remain?"

"Loki tried to protect the court from the evil spell! But his magic was not strong enough to save those who distrust him! He was fortunate to lessen the curse on our king, so that Fury but sleeps!"

The raven clenched its claws tightly into the carved wood frame of the still. "Have you seen Loki's staff?"

"Yes, what of it? As regent, Loki needed a symbol of authority, and out of respect he chose not to use any belonging to King Fury."

"It contains wild magic, chaos magic. It is powerful, but not easily controlled. Loki can aim it, but he cannot tell it what to do."

"How do you know this?"

The raven cawed a harsh laugh. "Because Loki would have turned us all into worms or fish on dry land." The raven's feathers bristled. "I was Natasha, one of King Fury's bodyguard. Loki would not have wanted me to have a voice, and strong claws."

Thor's face relaxed. "If this is true, then it is the staff which is evil. It must have warped my brother!" He paused. "The staff may indeed be magic, but good magic. I have only your word that it was the cause of our troubles, and not a bulwark against worse."

"Have you no way to tell good magic from evil?" The raven half-opened its wings. "Think."

"Mjolnir! My father's hammer of truth and justice. If it tells me the staff is evil, I will destroy it."

Natasha blinked. "I suspect that would be a bad idea. What if the staff is binding chaos? Whatever Loki does with it is better than what it would do if entirely free."

"You are nothing but words!" Thor smashed his fist into the wall. "I am a man! I do what I do! I do not talk about it all day like a stupid twittering bird!"

"And that is why your comrades died."

Thor lunged and caught the raven between his hands. "I could twist your neck and give you to the cook's cat."

Natasha said, "Yes, you could."

"Bah!" Thor threw the raven unharmed out of the window and closed it. Then he shut the others. And then he sat with King Fury and told him how the kingdom fared, while the carpenter's tools on the door gave him background music.

***

Thor entered the throne room dressed in full armor; Mjolnir at his side. Loki looked up from the regent's chair beside the throne and waved aside the man who was speaking with him. "Thor!" Loki said heartily, "Are you off on another quest?"

"It may be, brother. King Fury is no better, and his physicians do not fill me with confidence." Thor moved casually closer, his fingers resting lightly on the head of the hammer.

"What do you have in mind?" Loki asked. He leaned forward, and the staff he held loosely in his hand tipped forward, almost touching Thor. Thor exclaimed and stepped back, tossing his hammer to his other hand. Loki smiled, "What's the matter, did you overreach yourself, brother?" 

Thor looked down at his hand. The palm was reddened. He said softly, "Perhaps. Perhaps King Fury needs not a warrior's skills, but those of a wizard. I shall seek the finest in the land, and bring him, or her, back with me. I go alone, so I may travel the swifter."

Loki tilted his head. "The kingdom may need your strong arm here. Wizards guard their privacy most strenuously, I'm told. It is too hazardous, do not go, I beg of you, bother."

Thor was silent for a long moment. "You think I fear the danger?"

"No, no, of course not!" Loki said swiftly. "But after your last... well, no one would blame you for becoming more... prudent."

"I GO!" Thor snarled. "My horse is ready, and I need nothing else!" He strode swiftly from the throne room.

 

The stableman darted out of the way as Thor threw himself on his heavy, iron-gray, charger. "Go, Storm, go!" A raven flew ahead of him, out of the palace gates, and across the Bifrost into the countryside.

Night

"We're getting close to Asgard," Tony said. He worried at a burr in his hair, tugging it free to toss into the fire. A spitted rabbit turned above the blaze, courtesy of the wolf who now lay with his head on Clint's lap. 

Clint didn't look up from stroking Phil's fur. "Maybe another three days, depending on how fast you are, Tony."

Tony shifted uneasily and rubbed at his backside. "Phil's been impatient. Make it two days." 

Steve poked at the fire with a branch, scowling. "I've been trying to talk to him. He's stubborn. With or without my help, he's going back. He said that if I can't get him into Asgard, he'll stand outside the gate and challenge Loki."

"Oh," Tony said, " _that's_ a _great_ plan. We'd be porcupined with arrows while Loki sat on the battlements and laughed. Coulson used to be a tactical genius; what's wrong with him?"

Clint said, "How should I know? I can't talk to him any more than you can!" He pushed the wolf off his lap and got up. "I need to stretch my legs." The wolf followed him away from the fire.

Steve said quietly, "I'm sorry. I've tried..."

"Yeah. I know. Not your fault." Tony stirred the stew. "None of us was ever any good at waiting for things to happen. We make things happen. I don't... I don't blame Coulson. Maybe he's right. Maybe it'd be better to go out fighting. Wolves don't live that long. And a wolf by himself, even less. We'd probably lose Phil in less than five years, and then what would we do? Clint and I can't go near people on our own. This is lonely enough."

"I could. I could stay with you."

Tony smiled. "Thanks, Steve, but really... I'm a valuable warhorse. They'd say you stole me."

"Yeah." Steve threw pine cones into the fire. "I'm not a knight."

Day

Steve was sitting behind Coulson on a bundled up pad of blankets behind the saddle. When he wasn't in a hurry, Tony moved smoothly enough that Steve didn't need stirrups. Clint was circling overhead. The hawk suddenly screamed and swooped down before rising again.

Tony danced sideways, rattling the bit, his ears pricked forward. "Do you hear that?" Coulson said.

Steve shook his head.

"Steel. One good sword. At least a dozen poor quality blades." Coulson tilted his head. "It's a melee, rabble against one knight. Get down."

Steve scrambled off the horse. "What are you going to do?"

Coulson drew his sword, and pulled back on the reins, making Tony gather himself. "Even the odds." Then he kicked Tony into a gallop.

"Wait!" Steve shouted. "Great," he said as Tony disappeared in a cloud of dust around the bend of the path through the woods. He started running after them, while cursing to himself. "This is... so... stupid... I should... be going... the other way." By the time Steve could hear the sounds of battle- horses and men and yes, the ring of blade on blade and the screams of an angry hawk, he was too out of breath to do anything except stop next to the last tree before the clearing where the battle raged, and lean over with his hands on his knees, watching for several minutes.

A huge knight in gold armor, with a scarlet cape billowing out behind him, was laying about him with a two-handed broadsword bigger than Steve, and laughing. His horse was an enormous, lump-headed, gray beast without any of Tony's elegance, but it more than made up for it in pure meanness. Tony and Coulson had fought their way to the knight's side and guarded his flank. Clint flew at the bandit's faces, and there was a raven also defending the knight. Steve wished he'd been able to run faster. He'd never seen such a good show. He gathered a pocket full of stones, and climbed into the tree to lob them at the enemy using a length of leather for a sling. He'd always had good aim.

The battle was soon over. Three of the bandits broke away and fled before they could be killed. The gold knight started after them, but Coulson shouted, "Let them go, Prince Thor!" and the knight came back.

"We need to talk," Lord Coulson said.

"Verily we do, Lord Coulson," Prince Thor replied. "I missed your wise counsel. For its lack, I fear I have failed in my duty to my king. Belatedly, I attempt to make amends."

Coulson nodded. "If we combine our knowledge, we may yet be able to accomplish something." Clint fluttered down to land on Coulson's glove, still fluffed and agitated from the fight. Coulson soothed him wordlessly with two fingers stroking down his breast feathers until they sleeked.

Steve climbed down from the tree. "My Lord, My Prince." He nodded to them.

Thor looked down at Steve. "Is this your squire, Lord Coulson? You should feed the lad better."

"Steve is his own man," Coulson replied before Steve could say something rude. "We should leave before reinforcement arrive." He leaned down to allow Steve to use his arm for support to scramble back onto Tony.

"Ah. You do not think these men were random-met bandits." Thor turned his horse towards the road and set it to an easy canter.

Coulson brought Tony up beside Thor's horse. The stallions arched their necks and rolled their eyes at each other, but refrained from any further hostilities. "Do you?"

Thor took off his helmet and shook his head. He had a lot of golden-blond hair, and looked every inch a noble. "I fear not." 

The raven flew up and landed on his shoulder. "You know who sent them, Thor," she said.

"Yes," Thor scowled. "My brother Loki, the usurper." He sighed. "Pardon my ill-manners. Allow me to present the Lady Natasha, of King Fury's personal retinue."

The raven took a bow. "His bodyguard." Her beak snapped angrily. "I have been forced to leave him nearly defenseless. My second-in-command is with him, but she has limited resources."

"Who?" Thor asked. "I saw no one, save the palace guards."

"Maria Hill. She stays under his bed during the day, and warms him at night." 

Steve coughed. "She's the king's mistress?"

The raven rolled her eyes. "She's a cat." 

"All the time?" Coulson asked. "She doesn't change forms between animal and human at dawn and dusk?"

"No. She is stuck, like I am, as animal. If I hadn't been there when she changed, I wouldn't have known her." The raven ruffled her feathers. "Even so, I came close to killing her before I could make her understand."

"The way you speak, Lord Coulson," Thor said, "you know of this curse?"

"Yes. This hawk is Clint, my second. And the horse is Tony, the weapons' smith. None of us would bow down before Loki. They are men at night, while the day is mine."

There was silence for a few seconds, then the raven said, "I want Loki's eyeballs."


	3. Bruce Gets Dragged In

***

They made camp early, so they could more readily exchange information before they lost Coulson to his animal. "So, you think the three of us are the only ones hit with the half-spell?" Coulson asked Natasha.

"I've scouted for a half-day around Asgard- a half-day as the raven flies is quite a distance- and listened at a great many windows. There are stories of animals that behave oddly, but..." she ducked her head to preen her breast feathers smoothly. "I have heard nothing of any skin-turners. Either they have all been very fortunate not to have been discovered, or you are the only ones."

Coulson nodded. "So be it. I hadn't really expected any different. Well, so, let's see what we can do with what we have. Loki hasn't openly declared Prince Thor an enemy, so you could simply demand the gates be opened to admit us."

Thor nodded. "Loki thinks me a complete fool." He frowned. "And with some cause. He will not be alarmed if I claim you for a blank shield who aided me against bandits. Ah... I forget... there is now a decree that all who enter must show their faces plainly."

"Lord Coulson is well known," Natasha said. "And he has been declared traitor."

Steve said, "He could go in disguise."

Natasha flapped her wings for attention. Clint was fascinated by her; he kept staring. "Getting inside the gate's not the main problem," she said. "Even killing Loki isn't. I could have done that a dozen times by myself."

"How?" Steve asked. "You're a bird all the time."

"I'd drop a rock on his unhelmed head when he struts on the King's Balcony to give a decree," she said. "That would be easiest."

"Why haven't you done so, then?" Thor asked her.

"Because I'm not a magician and don't know what effect his death would have on the spells he's placed." Natasha paused to strop her beak on a branch. "I heard other stories, too. Old tales of an ogre who is sometimes a man, and who now lives as a hermit in the barren hills. The stories go back several years, long before Loki turned up with the staff. They say that when he is a man, he is a wizard, and can cure illness. At the very least, if he has been bespelled by the staff, he would have common cause with us. A wizard would be useful in battle. As would an ogre."

Night

Steve had never seen any of the others change, but sometimes he heard them. It didn't sound pleasant. When it grew close to twilight, Coulson unharnessed Tony and turned him loose, and took the jesses from Clint's feet. "Unlike Natasha, we don't have full awareness as animals, so you'll have to explain to them what we've decided," Coulson told Thor before he followed Tony into the woods with Clint clinging to his shoulder.

They didn't get out of earshot before night fell. Steve hunched his shoulders around his ears and busied himself with tending the fire. Thor grimaced in sympathy, and went to curry his horse. Natasha made gruff noises to herself as she shifted along a branch, stabbing at it.

"Oh," Tony said as he entered the camp and looked around. "Right. Company." He scratched his left buttock. As usual, he was nude and unashamed. "Hello, Prince Thor."

"Greetings!" Thor said without looking up. He was distracted by inspecting his horse's feet for stones or bruises.

Steve cleared his throat. "Tony," he said in disapproval, "there is a lady present."

"There is?" Tony grinned brightly and turned in a swift circle. "Where?"

Natasha cawed and dropped an acorn on his head. "Here. Lady Natasha."

Tony peered up into the tree at the black bird, dimly visible in the shadows. "You're not a lady. I remember you. You're one of King Fury's assassinettes! You half garotted me one day."

"You deserved it. Assassinette, indeed!"

Tony huffed and went over to the packs to dig out his clothes. "No sense of humor, that's what's wrong with King Fury and his people."

Clint entered the camp next. He was fully dressed. In Coulson's clothes. He paused, as Tony had. "So, I didn't imagine it. Welcome, Prince Thor, and... Lady?" His eyes turned unerringly to the raven.

"Natasha," the raven said. She yawned. "Prince Thor, I've been flying all day. I'd like to brief these two quickly, so I can get some sleep. We will be traveling fast and far tomorrow, I should think."

Thor dropped his horse's hoof and patted the beast on the shoulder. "Yes, we will, and we will all need our rest."

"Especially those of us who have to carry a fully armored knight, and Steve, on our backs," Tony said grumpily as he pulled on his clothes. "Of course, Steve doesn't weigh anything."

"Thanks," Steve said dryly. He hung a pot of water from a tripod over the fire and began cutting up root vegetables to go in it.

"You're making stew? That's why you're my favorite. All Clint knows how to do is fry things until they're dead." Tony sat on a rock near the fire. "So, what's the plan?"

"We seek a wizard who can take the form of an ogre," Thor said as he sat down with a soft cloth and began polishing the metal parts of his horse's bridle. "From the tales Lady Natasha has heard, when an ogre he is a fearsome, unreasoning beast, ravening and destructive, but when he is a man, he is a kindly fellow, a doctor who helps the poor."

Tony blinked. "Oh, I _am_ looking forward to meeting him. Preferably as a man." He made a circling motion with his hands. "Give us the rest of the story."

"Like why we're looking for a wizard-ogre, instead of a way into Asgard," Clint said. "Not that I'm complaining."

Day

"He's in there," Natasha said, flicking a wing in the direction of the large hut on the outskirts of the hill village. 

"Let us go and have speech with the wizard then," Thor said, dismounting from his horse and dropping the reins to let him know he should stay. Storm heaved a loud sigh and began grazing on the sparse grass that worked its way up through the stony ground. He didn't look like he had any intention of wandering. 

"Yes," Coulson said, getting down from Tony and handing the reins to Steve. Tony was more tired than Storm, but more likely to stray, led by curiosity more than hunger.

They'd followed the stories for the better part of a week, and all of them were tired and impatient. There had also been rumors following them that Loki was seeking allies among the insectile Chitauri. Thor had told the others that if it was true, Loki likely meant to declare war on Jotunheim. He had an unreasoning hatred of the frost giants. Or perhaps there was a reason, but he had never told Thor. Asgard and Jotunheim had an uneasy truce for as long as Thor could remember. Odin had negotiated with the King of Jotun when the war had come close to impoverishing both kingdoms. Thor didn't know the terms, but whatever it was, it had to be better than war.

Clint came down from the sky, landing on Coulson's arm. "No, Clint," Coulson said gently. "Stay with Tony." He guided the hawk onto a perch that fit over the saddle horn. Clint shifted uneasily, chirruping, but he stayed. Natasha flew ahead of Coulson and Thor, through a window and into the hut just before they entered by the only door.

Tony nudged at Steve's arm. Steve patted him on the nose. There were voices, at first soft, interrupted by Natasha's harsh tones. And then there was a roar. Steve dropped the reins as the roof flew off of the hut, punched out by a huge green arm, followed by the rest of the huge, green ogre. A well trained warhorse would, of course, have taken the dropped reins as a signal to stand fast, no matter what. 

Tony, being Tony, flicked his ears forward, reared up so fast he knocked Clint from his perch, and ran after the ogre, who was bounding across the hillside in great leaps.

"TONY, NO!" Steve shouted, before he flung up his hands and went to help dig Thor and Coulson out of the rubble. Natasha was perched on a broken rafter when he got there.

"Sorry," she said, and then coughed. There was a lot of dust and floating moldy straw. "I got the ogre mad."

"I figured that," Steve said as he put a beam under another and used it for leverage.

 

"PRETTY HORSIE," the ogre said a while later, several hillsides away from the village.

Tony whinnied and nibbled gently on the ogre's grass-green hair. 

The ogre laughed. "NOT EAT ME." He patted Tony. "WANT FRUIT?" He kicked down an old apple tree and broke off a branch.

Tony whickered contentedly and began munching apples. So did the ogre, cores and all. "GOOD HORSIE." He patted Tony so hard, the horse staggered, but he kept on eating. Tony had a sweet tooth. 

"WANT PET PRETTY HORSIE." The ogre's fingers tugged at Tony's bridle and saddle until the tough leather snapped. "BETTER," the ogre said and patted Tony on his back again. This time Tony had his legs braced.

Night

"Ok, see," Tony said a little while after nightfall, when he awoke to find a naked man, who wasn't Clint, curled up next to him in a bed made of apple tree leaves, and all Tony's horse harness torn to useless bits nearby, "the thing is, I'm pretty sure that I was a stud a little while ago. Ok, really, not much difference, but anyway, that's a bit kinky, don't you think?" 

The man blinked and stared at Tony. "The ogre didn't hurt you?"

"Um." Tony patted himself down. "Pretty sure not. I'm good. I'm not even hungry. Wait, ogre? You're the ogre? Giant green guy?"

"Yeah. 'fraid so." The man smiled sheepishly.

"Excellent! Just the man I wanted to meet!" Tony reached over and grabbed the man's hand, shaking it vigorously between two of his. "My name's Tony. I'm an ex-weapons' smith who turns into a horse at dawn. A really handsome horse, but still, you know, it's put a damper on my social life."

"Wait, what?"

"What's your name? The villagers kept just calling you 'Wise One' or 'Doctor Cure-all' or sometimes 'The Green Man-Mountain' but nicknames, eh, not what you'd choose for yourself, right?"

"Bruce," the man said, with a desperate air about him. "Please, just call me Bruce." He snapped his fingers and a pair of spectacles appeared in his hand. He put them on and looked around him.

"Neat trick," Tony said. He got up and stretched. "Look, the deal is, before you zap me and disappear, or the other way around, we came to ask your help."

"Because you turn into a handsome horse?"

"That, too. But it's not just me. Loki, you know, the guy who's taken over Asgard..." Tony looked expectantly at Bruce, who looked blankly back at him. "Yeah, ok, you've been avoiding town criers and gossip, got it. Loki picked up a handy piece of magic that he's been using to turn everyone who disagrees with him into an animal and he put King Fury into one of those 'until my prince kisses me' sleeps, only you know, no one is gonna kiss Fury. He's one scary King. And I don't think a kiss would do it, either."

Bruce blinked again. "Don't you have to breathe?"

"Sometimes. Anyway, as I was saying, Prince Thor, who I'm very grateful doesn't turn into an animal because it would probably be something inconvenient like a lion or maybe a giant bear, Prince Thor and some friends of mine, who _do_ turn into animals, and Natasha who's stuck at raven and, I don't think she'd like me calling her a friend, need your help to figure out if we could just kill Loki, or maybe smash his magic staff, to break the spells." 

"Staff? What staff?" Bruce leaped up and grabbed Tony by the shoulders. "Stop prattling and tell me about this staff."

"I only saw it once. Long as a pike staff, golden, inscribed with things that hurt to look at. It's got a large, pale blue jewel caught in between a sort of lop-sided moon crescent end. The gem glowed, and there I was horsing around, and running for my life with him stabbing at me with the thing."

Bruce released Tony and sat back against the broken trunk of an apple tree. His color had gone gray. He whispered, "That was mine. My staff. I threw it away."

"Well, it was a hell of thing to donate to charity, Bruce."

Bruce shook his head. "I threw it into an everfrost lake. They never thaw. No one should have been able to get it."

"Loki managed. Does it matter how? The point is, why did you throw it away?"

"Because it didn't work. I wanted it to take off my own curse." Bruce tugged at his already tangled hair. "My father was a mad mage. He put the ogre curse on me before I was even born. I've tried all my life to get rid of it. I finally got desperate enough to capture a chaos spirit, because they don't need to understand things to change them. But he was angry at being caught and refused to help me."

"Huh. And now Loki has a pissed-off chaos spirit at his command."

"No. No one can control chaos, I found that out. If it's obeying Loki at all, it's because it wants to. The only way to negate the spells would be to break the staff, and release the spirit."

"Ok, good job, we can do that, right?"

"It's not that easy. I made the staff to destroy the ogre, so he's the only one who can destroy it."

"Well, we sneak you in, you go ogre and snap it. Done deal." Tony nodded.

"Won't work. I put what I thought was a safety precaution on it- the staff can't be touched by someone who tries to take it by force."

"Um. Ok." Tony scratched at his head. "I... got nothin'. C'mon, let's go find the others and put our heads together." He grabbed Bruce's hand and pulled him to his feet. "Oh, and if you could magic us up some clothes, that would be good."


	4. Steve Buffs Up

Night

Tony and Bruce appeared, both wearing black sorcerer's robes, in front of Thor's horse as it paced along a narrow mountain trail. Storm reared and whinnied, nearly dumping Steve who was sitting behind Thor; Tony yelled and fell on his ass; Clint threw his arms around Coulson's neck to keep the wolf from attacking.

"Well met," Thor said, holding his torch high enough to illuminate all their faces. "I apologize for our rude disruption of your meditations earlier today, Sir Wizard." 

Natasha fluttered down to perch on Thor's shoulder and opened her beak, but she didn't say anything.

"This is Bruce," Tony said, bouncing to his feet and flinging an arm around Bruce's shoulders. "He's going to help us break the curse."

"Uh," Bruce said, "Well, I'll try. It's a little bit my fault... but I'm not really sure it's a good idea. I mean... the ogre..."

Tony gave Bruce a little shake. "Don't be so negative! This will be fine. Once we figure it out."

 

"So," Bruce finished explaining, "we need to get the staff without using force. I don't know what sort of magic Loki has of his own, but it would be best if he didn't realize it was gone right away. In case, you know."

"That's where you come in, Steve," Tony said around a mouthful of jerky. They had stopped and built a fire, but hadn't taken time to hunt or even to cook a pot of porridge, so they were all chewing on dry rations, even wolf Coulson. "You've got clever pick pocketing hands."

"It's a staff, not a coin purse," Steve said. "He's going to notice, believe me."

"We'll do a switch. Bruce and I, we'll make a copy, one that looks and feels like the chaos staff, but doesn't do anything."

"That sounds good," Thor approved heartily. He fed Natasha a length of jerky.

"Do you think I could possibly get within arms' reach of Lord Loki?" Steve spread his skinny arms and everyone fell silent. "Can you make me look like a member of the court?" he asked Bruce.

"No. Illusions... I'm not that kind of wizard. Which is why I had to bring my own robes for me and Tony, instead of making you think we were wearing clothes." Bruce looked down at his hands, and then up at Steve, directly. "But I could change you. Really change you. The only thing is, it's permanent."

"No," Steve said immediately. "I'm not much, but I'm used to being me. I don't want to be someone else."

"You'd still be you," Bruce said. "Only more so. It was one of the potions I made to try to cure myself- it makes you the person you really are, inside."

"If it's so great, then why do you still turn into an ogre?"

"He has a point," Tony said. "I've got used to Steve riding me, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't carry a Steve ogre."

Bruce gave Tony an exasperated look. "It didn't work on me because I'm already under a spell. Steve is... a magic virgin, a clean slate. It won't create something out of nothing, just make your outside match your inner man."

"And what if my inner man isn't any good? I get mad. I get jealous. I steal and I don't tithe. I'm not a saint!"

Clint said, "I've come to know you these past few weeks, Steve. You're as good a man as any in the court. Better than most."

Tony muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Assclowns."

"I won't do it. You can't make me." Steve stood up abruptly. 

Coulson growled, but Clint dug his fingers into the wolf's ruff. "We could. But we won't," he said.

Thor looked around the camp and nodded. "We should sleep. There is no haste in making this decision. Perhaps Lord Coulson will have another suggestion." He lay down, still in full armor, and pulled his cape over his face. Within seconds, he was snoring.

"Wish I knew how he does that," Tony remarked before digging out a bottle and having a few gulps.

Day

"And you are sure this will work?" was all Coulson said to Bruce once everything had been explained, with Thor and Natasha interjecting an occasional word. 

"Yes." Bruce nodded. "Well, I mean, I'm sure the potion will take effect on Steve, and he's certainly strong-willed enough that it will respond to that and strengthen him."

"I'm strong-willed enough to say 'no', too," Steve muttered.

"This is bigger than you," Natasha rasped from Thor's shoulder.

Thor said, "Why would you not wish to be stronger?" He looked puzzled. "Surely you do not enjoy being small and weak?"

Steve scowled at Thor.

"Mmm." Coulson went over to the the branch stuck in the ground where Clint was perched. He took the hawk up on his fist and looked into its eyes. Without looking away he asked, "And what did Clint have to say?"

Bruce looked down at the ground. Softly, "He said that we wouldn't force Steve to do it."

Coulson nodded and smiled at the hawk. "Ah, Clint. You always did think the best of me." He turned to look at Steve. "We need you. Will you do this?"

"And if I say 'no'?" Steve stuck out his chin and threw back his shoulders.

Coulson shrugged. "We don't need you that badly." He carried Clint over to Tony, who was saddled and bridled. He put Clint on the saddle perch and then mounted. "It's a good morning for a hunt." He gathered up the reins and left the campsite.

Steve kicked at the dirt and frowned.

 

Coulson returned in mid-morning with two rabbits and a fat duck. He laid them down on a flat rock near the fire and began sharpening a knife to clean them. He didn't look at Steve.

"Did you really mean it?" Steve asked.

"Mean what?" Coulson didn't look up. Thor was sharing venison jerky with Natasha. Bruce was pouring a measure of grain on the ground for Tony and Storm (who had reached an uneasy truce) to share. Everyone was behaving as though there was no hurry to go anywhere.

"That you don't need me that badly." Steve's fists clenched at his sides, but his voice was steady.

Coulson's hands stilled as he looked up then, and smiled. "We all say things we don't want to be held to, later."

Steve took a deep breath. "I'll do it. I'll take the potion."

Coulson nodded. "Thank you, Steve."

 

The potion glittered, gold flakes floating lazily in a thick pale yellow oil. Steve held the crystal vial and stared at it. "Well," he said after a long moment, "here goes nothing." He gulped it down and grimaced. "That's... awful."

"Sorry about that," Bruce said. "Now, lie down. It may take a few minutes to activate." They'd laid out all the blankets and spare clothing on an area swept clear of rocks and roots. Even Natasha had helped make it as smooth as possible. 

Steve lay down on the blankets, trembling. "I'm cold." He pulled the cloth around himself, turning over until he was deeply nested in it. 

"Now, we wait," Bruce said. He went over to Tony and leaned against the horse. He said softly, "And pray that I haven't destroyed this child."

"He is a warrior, not a child," Thor said. "Do him the honor of remembering that." He paced, idly swinging his hammer with each stride. "No matter what your potion does to his body, Steven is a warrior I shall be proud to serve beside."

"It's begun," Coulson said. "Look."

The blankets shifted, swelling like the earth when new shoots force their way to the surface. The rippling increased until the blankets were stretched taut, held down by a heavy weight and pressed from within by an expanding mass. Both horses backed away nervously. Clint screamed and flew away. "I'll keep an eye on him," Natasha said as she followed the hawk.

The blankets tore apart and what had been a scrawny pickpocket sat up, gasping for breath. Steve looked around wildly. Everyone was staring at him, even the horses. "What?" Steve asked. He felt at his face. "Still got two eyes, a nose and a mouth. How horrible am I?"

"Not horrible at all," Coulson said. "Quite the contrary."

Thor picked up his highly polished shield and set it in front of Steve, wordlessly. Steve stared, and then reached out to touch. "That's... that's me?"

Bruce cleared his throat. "That's all you. Thank God. You're perfect."

Steve got to his feet. The last tatters of his clothes fell away. He stood next to Thor. Steve was only a few inches shorter, and very nearly as broad in the chest. "Tony is going to complain about how heavy I am now."

"I doubt it," Coulson remarked dryly. "Thor, do you have some clothes you could lend Steve?"

"I have another tunic and pair of trews." Thor opened his pack and began sorting through it. "But I have only my own armor and mail."

Coulson frowned. "I was going to lend Steve my gear and I'd be his squire. No one looks at squires." He held his arm next to Steve's for comparison. "That's... not going to work."

"Tony and I were planning to forge a staff, anyway," Bruce said. He was holding Tony now not to prevent the horse from running away, but to keep him from running over to Steve. "Stop that, Tony." He dug a piece of dry apple from his pocket and fed it to Tony. "I can get the materials, and Tony knows armor."

"I'm going to be a knight." Steve flexed his arms and turned his hands over to inspect them. "I'll need to learn how to pickpocket all over again. My hands are huge." He grinned brightly.

Clint returned a few minutes later, with Natasha fussing at him and scolding him. If a hawk could look embarrassed, he did. He landed on Coulson's fist, and stared at Steve until Coulson calmed him by petting his breast feathers.

Night

Tony sauntered out of the woods at dusk the way he always did, naked and unashamed, but then stopped dead. "Wow. Bruce, you do good work." He went up to Steve and patted him on the chest, and then loosened the lacing of Thor's second-best tunic to peer inside at Steve's muscle. "I'm sending all my friends to you. At least, all the pretty ones."

"Stop that," Steve said and swatted at Tony. Carefully. Thor looked on in approval. They had been practicing sparring with branches and broken quite a few due to Steve's new strength.

Tony huffed at him, one of the habits he'd picked up as a horse. "Hey, just getting familiar with my soon-to-be rider." He winked. It was too dark to see Steve blush, but Tony pointed at him and laughed. "Yeah, no more sack of potatoes bouncing around on my ass; you're going to have to learn how to really ride, Sir Steve!"

Coulson padded up behind Tony and growled. "Yikes!" Tony jumped and Steve instinctively caught him. Tony looked up at him, grinning. 

"Tony, quit teasing Steve," Bruce said. He was brewing something that smelled like herbs. "Lord Coulson doesn't like it."

Steve set Tony on the ground. Tony held onto his arms a little too long. Steve gave him a narrow-eyed look. Tony let go. "Coulson never had a sense of humor." Tony found his clothes and began dressing. "I don't know what Clint sees in him, frankly."

"That's because I have better eyes than you," Clint said. He was wearing Coulson's clothes again. 

Tony waved at him. "Is this a new thing? The clothes-sharing, I mean? Are you going to braid each other's hair next-- excuse me, fur and feathers?"

Clint knelt beside Coulson and ruffled his fur. The wolf tilted his head to give him a tongue-swipe across the cheek. "You know, I could sharpen Coulson's spurs. They're looking a little dull lately."

"Point taken," Tony said, wincing. He finished putting on his clothes and went over to Bruce. "Everyone hates me." He leaned his head against Bruce's shoulder.

Bruce patted Tony idly on the back while continuing to stir his brew. "No, that's not true, Tony. Not everyone knows you." He handed Tony a dried apple slice. "You've seen Steve."

"Oh, have I seen Steve."

"Eat your apple. We're going to have to make him armor as well as a staff."

Tony sat up abruptly. "Yes! Oh, Bruce, this is going to be fun."


	5. Knight School

Day

"Straighter!" Coulson snapped. "Remember, you need to keep your weight balanced, and your shield braced."

Steve squirmed in the saddle. Tony rolled an eye at him, and lifted his lip in a horse laugh. Steve complained, "The pointy bit on the bottom keeps getting in the way! Ow."

Thor was riding Storm at Tony's side. Tony's sense of humor had already unseated Steve twice. Thor said, "Perhaps you would do better with a round shield. The style is uncommon, but I have seen it used effectively."

"Yes!" Steve brightened. "That's what I want, a round shield."

"What style of sword do you think would suit him, Thor?" Coulson asked.

"I think..."

Steve interrupted Thor. "Oh, no, you don't. I'd cut off my leg!"

Thor said, "Have you had no lessons in swordsmanship?"

"I've never held anything longer than an eating knife," Steve said. He stuck out his tongue and concentrated on the reins and his balance. "It's not exactly healthy for petty thieves to be caught holding weapons."

"I could teach you," Thor offered.

Coulson shook his head. "And what would Loki be doing in the meantime? We can't wait that long. We'll just have to hope that Steve doesn't have to fight anyone. You'll need a weapon, though, for the sake of appearances."

"How about Thor's hammer?" Steve leaned over to pat it for emphasis.

"None but I can touch Mjolnir!" Thor said. Then he looked at Steve's hand. "Mjolnir accepts you!" 

"I'm sorry." Steve pulled his hand back hastily. "I didn't know it was your special hammer."

"No, no, I rejoice! I have lost Loki as a brother, but gained a new brother!" Thor pulled the hammer free and held it out to Steve. "Hold her with respect. She is an ancient soul."

Steve hesitantly took the hammer, and then swung it around as Thor often did. He beamed. "It's light! I could do this all day!" 

With the hammer whirling around near his ear, Tony danced sideways. Steve fell off into a mud puddle. 

Coulson sighed. "We're going to have to work on that." He grabbed Tony's reins before the horse could escape. "Back to camp, by now Bruce should have conjured up some more mounts."

 

"A plow horse." Coulson looked at the thick-legged, stocky gelding and sighed even deeper than before.

Bruce shrugged. "Things don't just come out of thin air, you know. It's magic, it's got rules. I brought him from a nearby village. Thor gave me gold to leave in his place."

"Gold." Coulson walked around the horse. "A handful of copper would have done."

"I do not have any copper coin," Thor said. "It is a valiant steed, strong enough to bear your weight, even in armor."

"It has a leg at each corner, that's all I'll say for it." He looked around and frowned. "What about you, Bruce? Where's your horse?"

"They don't like me. They smell the ogre. Tony's the first horse that would let me touch him. And Tony's... not normal, even for a horse. But it doesn't matter. I don't need one. Now that I know you all, I can translocate any distance to join you."

Natasha called from her perch on Storm's saddle. "A blank shield's squire would hardly ride a charger."

"True enough. And no one would look twice at anyone riding this nag." He turned his head to look at Clint, who was riding his shoulder. "We've seen worse, haven't we?"

Night

"I like you," Tony said as he entered the clearing where they'd set up camp after a rather long day of riding lessons. 

Steve looked at Tony sourly. "Is that why I spent half the day in mud puddles?"

"Did you?" Tony looked innocent. "Of course I don't remember anything that happens when I'm a horse."

"Maybe I should have listened to Clint and worn the spurs."

Natasha chuckled evilly. She was hard to see in the dark, but always easy to hear.

"Have you noticed how many thorn bushes there are in the countryside?" Tony said. He took his time getting dressed.

Clint and wolf Coulson came in as usual a few minutes later. Tony was bent over, slowly pulling on his boots. Clint snorted. "You are incredibly subtle, Tony."

Bruce was sitting by the fire, carving something no one could quite see. "Isn't he, though?"

Thor leaned in close to Steve who was currying Coulson's plow horse and only sneaking glances at Tony from time to time. "You are doing well, Steve. A warrior must gird his loins before the battle. The sacred energies will strengthen your arm!" He nudged Steve heavily. "I shall share the most important secret of the retiring chamber with you!" Thor's 'conspiratorial' voice carried clearly. He ignored Steve's hand waving. "NEVER PARTAKE OF ONION BEFORE BEDDING!" Thor beamed.

Tony laughed so hard he gave himself a coughing fit.

Day

Three days later Steve could stick to Tony's back like a burr, no matter what battle maneuvers Coulson ordered, and throw Thor's hammer so it flew back to his hand. 

The plow horse had proved himself capable of trudging all day long burdened with Coulson, his bundled up armor, hawk Clint, and an assortment of baggage that Tony refused to carry, completely undisturbed by the prancing and curvetting of the two war horses. Coulson named it Jasper.

While it was a pleasant interlude, Natasha's spying had turned up more evidence that Loki was planning for war; conscription of horses large enough to carry knights, extra levies against grain and supplies suitable to sustain an army on the march, and the beginning of an involuntary draft- so far it had been selective, only a few serfs from each farm had gone for training, but names had been taken of all healthy young people and orders issued that no one could change their place of residence without permission from their local governor.

Night

They were relieved when Bruce appeared that night by the campfire to announce, "We're almost there." He sat down on a rock next to Tony and accepted a handful of dried fruit. "I have a small pen where I sometimes keep goats. There should still be dry hay in the shed, so the horses can rest while Tony and I work on the armor and staff," he told them before he ate.

"Yeah. I have some ideas," Tony said. He and Bruce started talking about metal, and the spirits within metals. Within five words, everyone else gave up trying to understand and just went about their normal routine of making dinner and caring for their gear.

Clint, Steve and Thor found a level space nearby and wrestled for a while, with Natasha critiquing, until Coulson returned from the hunt and dropped a young wild pig on top of them.

"Yuck," Steve said, pushing the pig off, "why does he keep doing that?"

Clint shrugged. "Coulson always made sure his people got enough to eat. Sometimes that wasn't easy." He flipped the pig onto its back, produced a knife and began skinning it.

Thor nodded. "Wolves share with their mates."

"Oh," Steve said. 

Clint cut the liver out and gave it to Coulson. "Don't go saying things like that in front of Lord Coulson," he warned. "It's not like that. I'm his man, that's all."

"Uh huh," Steve said, watching as the wolf licked Clint's fingers.


	6. Obligatory Shirtless Blacksmithing

Day

"That's it," Bruce said. For the last day of travel he'd ridden pillion behind Steve, so he could direct them to the hidden paths around the confusion and repulsion spells he'd placed about his dwelling. "Home sweet cave."

"Well," Steve said, looking at the dark rocky entrance, the crude pole and bramble pen, and the few small outer buildings made of piled stone with roughly thatched roofs. "It's... nice?"

Bruce laughed and slid off of Tony. "I'll go in and turn off the last of the traps. It's actually not bad once you get inside."

Night

"No, no, no," Tony said, "and no." He nudged the pile of assorted pots, pans and other small pieces of metal with his foot. "There's no armor spirit in any of this. Not the _right_ armor spirit for Steve."

Bruce ran his hands through his hair. "I've 'ported at least one piece of every kind of metal I can _feel_ within my range, Tony. What do you want me to do, invent a new metal?"

"Yes! Perfect!" Tony bounced over to Bruce and grabbed him by the shoulders, turning him around to face the native stone wall at the rear of his home. "Look."

"What am I looking at?"

"Ore! You've been living here for years, doing magic. It's seeped into the walls and changed the stone. I can _almost_ feel the spirit. It wants to come out and be made."

"I'm not a miner."

"The Green Guy's really, really strong."

 

"This is a bad idea. Just so you know," Bruce said.

"Yep, uh uh!" Tony finished putting a draw cord through holes punched in a heavy leather sack. "I'm ready. Green up!"

"I hate you," Bruce said. Then he closed his eyes and let the ogre out.

Tony beamed at the green giant. He pointed to a big X he'd chalked on the wall. "SMASH!"

The ogre looked down at Tony. Then he turned and slammed his fist into the rock. "SMASH?"

"YES!" Tony began gleefully picking through the rubble. "YES!" He put a rock into his sack. "No." He flipped a stone over his shoulder. "Maybe." He put a piece down at his feet. "More smash!"

"SMASH," the ogre said cheerfully and returned to punching the walls.

 

"Ok, see," Tony pointed at a parchment full of scribbles. "This is what it's gonna be."

Bruce held the plan up to the light. "Niiice. And this here..." He pointed to a circle in the center of the chest plate.

"That's so the metal spirit can look out. Your bigger half found a piece of blue crystal; it'll be perfect."

"Blue. To match Steve's eyes?"

Tony huffed and rolled up the parchment. "I don't make ugly armor. Let's set up the forge down deep in the mine workings, where it stays cool."

 

"Where is Mjolnir?" Thor said when he and Steve were practicing hand to hand combat near the horse pen while waiting for Clint and Coulson to return with a deer. 

"It's right there, next to Tony's saddle..." Steve turned. "Huh. It didn't get up and walk away by itself, did it? I mean, it flies back to us when we throw it."

Thor held out his hand. "Mjolnir, come to me!" They heard a shout from inside the cave, and then a series of smashing noises. A hole burst in the side of the mountain and Mjolnir flew into Thor's hand.

"HEY!" Tony ran out of the cave, dressed in a sweaty leather smith's apron, muscles on his arms standing out from exertion. "I was USING THAT!" He grabbed Mjolnir and ran back into the cave.

Thor and Steve stared blankly at the cave.

Bruce came out a moment later. "I apologize for Tony. He should have asked to borrow your hammer." He shrugged. "You know Tony." Then he went back into the cave.

Thor frowned. "Father told me I was the only one who could hold Mjolnir." He kicked at a rock.

Night

Steve stood still while Tony, Clint, and Thor fit the armor to him, smoothing the under padding Bruce had made from a thick quilt, and adjusting straps. He couldn't tell what they were doing because Tony had insisted he wear a blindfold. "It's a surprise! Like a name day present!" Tony had said, and then he'd done the pouting thing, and they were all tired of waiting, so it didn't seem worthwhile telling Tony to act like a grown man.

He had heard Coulson sniffing, and Natasha's claws on metal as they checked him out. Since there hadn't been any growling or derisive squawking, they must have approved.

"All right. You can look now."

Steve pulled off the blindfold, and opened his eyes. Tony was absolutely filthy, and grinning from ear to ear, grease shining in the light of all the torches they'd set up around the ground for this. 

"Does it pinch? Is it too heavy? Oh, I love that new armor smell." Tony held out a helmet. It was blue- not painted on- you could tell the color was part of the metal, like layers of enamel, you could see that. It had a thick plume made of swan feathers, and decorative lines and designs incised in white and red. 

"Protective spells," Bruce said. "Tony and I worked on them together."

"Come on, say something. Oh, oh, put the helmet on!" Tony was bouncing in a combination of excitement and exhaustion.

Steve put the helmet on. For a moment it felt awkward, but then it was as if he'd been doing this all his life. As if it was what he'd been meant to do. He turned and the armor moved smoothly, joints flexing with only the faintest sound. Thor held up a shield. Steve saw himself reflected in the rounded surface, all blue, and red and white, with a shining blue-white star set in the center, all of it gleaming smooth and elegant like no armor he'd ever glimpsed when knights rode through the marketplace. The shield matched. He took it from Thor and slipped it on his arm, and then off again, tossing it the way he did Mjolnir. It flew in a sweet curve, returning to his hand like Clint to Coulson's fist.

Steve laughed out loud. "My god. I am a knight."


	7. En Guard, Asgard

Day

Bruce peered around Steve from his place riding pillion on Tony. "Wow. Asgard is shiny." They were on a hilltop overlooking the city, having paused by unspoken agreement.

"A lot of it is goldstone marble," Steve said. He tugged at the rein to distract Tony who was dancing with barely suppressed excitement. In the weeks it had taken to retrace their steps, Natasha had reported increasing signs of the imminence of war. They had to get to Loki soon, to prevent a bloodbath that would engulf two nations.

"Aye, imported from Jotunheim," Thor said. "A trade agreement that has been beneficial for both, as the Jotun climate does not allow them to grow crops, so their stone, and the pelts of bilgesnipe, are their greatest assets."

"Bilgesnipe?" Steve asked.

"Big. Hairy and smelly. The hides make good shelters for the poor." Thor stared fixedly at Asgard. "And, cured in brine, passable armor for Jotun foot soldiers."

Coulson nodded and kicked his plow horse into motion. "Let's hope we never find out how bilgesnipe armor smells." 

"I'll scout ahead," Natasha said. The raven circled the group once before cawing and flying towards the city.

Clint cried out and flapped a few times before settling on Coulson's fist. "I know, Clint," Coulson said. "Soon. One way or the other, it will be over soon."

***

"HO!" Thor shouted and made Storm rear and pound his hooves against the rainbow bridge. "It is I! Prince Thor, returning from my quest! I have triumphed! Send word to my brother!"

Tony danced in place and fought the bit. He hated it when Storm got to show off and he didn't. Steve patted him on the neck. 

"Uncover!" one of the guards shouted from the battlements above. They had crossbows and pikes, and there was even the smell of pitch, heated and ready to pour.

"You do not recognize your Prince!" Thor's helmet had no face guard. Tony had called it vanity. Thor had said it was because it got hot.

"We do not recognize your companions, Prince Thor." The guard was a big, ugly fellow who had a subtly foreign cast of features to the Asgardian norm.

"The noble knight at my side is Sir Steven, a blank shield looking for honor and glory in the ranks of Asgard!"

Steve took off his helmet and tilted his face up towards the guards, but he didn't say anything. They'd agreed to let Thor run the show at the gate. His exuberant entrances were common knowledge and very distracting. Coulson sat quietly on Jasper just behind Steve, handy and invisible, like all good squires. His head was bare, but bent humbly. He had the added excuse of trying to keep the hawk on his glove soothed. It would be a wonder if anyone looked past the golden Thor and the brightly shining blue of Steve's armor to notice him at all.

"And the Goodman," Thor waved vaguely off to one side, where Bruce stood, leaning on a plain wooden staff, and dressed in dusty gray robes, clumsily embroidered with arcane, but meaningless, symbols in gaudy colors of roughspun yarn. He was carrying a carpetbag, equally badly decorated. "The Noted Physician and Wizard, Flag!"

"Banner," Bruce said. He looked up at the battlements and then cringed. "I beg your pardon, my Lords." He looked around nervously. "I... I don't know why I'm here, Lords. I treat the hill folk."

"And you have not killed one patient!" Thor roared. "You are a most excellent physician indeed! And you shall cure King Fury!"

The guard turned to consult with another, who was if possible, even uglier, before lowering his crossbow. "Good news indeed," he said with a sneer. "Enter, then, Prince Thor. Asgard welcomes you and your companions."

"Well," Steve said softly to Tony as they clattered over the drawbridge, "too late to turn back now."

***

"Brother," Thor said once they reached the palace courtyard. "Why are there so many guards?" There were at least twenty armed and armored figures standing about, and more entered behind them.

"There is unrest. The people are disturbed by the magical attacks on us." Loki was holding his staff tightly. "It is all I can do to keep up a show of strength, to preserve what confidence remains." Loki frowned. "Shouting about King Fury's illness didn't help."

"I crave your pardon, Loki," Thor replied. "I was annoyed by the louts on the battlements. My temper has always got the better of me." Thor vaulted from his horse. "But you will see, once King Fury is recovered, all will be as it was."

"Yes, I'm sure it will be." Loki smiled. "Come, you must be wearied. Let my men take your horses to the stable, and we will refresh ourselves. There is new mead."

Thor handed Storm's reins to one of the guard and nodded at Steve to follow suit. "Your men, Loki? Surely you mean King Fury's men, as are we all."

"Yes, of course. A slip of the tongue."

Coulson slid off his horse while 'his betters' were talking. He took Tony's reins and held them while Steve dismounted. "Shall I stay with the horses, Sir Steven?" he asked humbly.

"Yes, of course." Steve looked distrustfully at the guards. "And keep my hawk with you as well. I would not have his training spoiled by mishandling."

"Yes, Sir Steven." 

Loki, Thor, Steve, and bringing up the rear, Bruce, left the courtyard to enter the palace. One of the guards pushed Coulson out of the way and took Tony's bridle. Tony lunged at him, grabbed the man by the shoulder with his teeth and shook him like a terrier with a rat.

"No, no, Tony!" Coulson said.

Tony flattened his ears, but let the guard drop, groaning. Next to him, Storm had got the idea and kicked a guard who was trying to hold him. Jasper watched the whole scene with mild interest.

"I'm terribly sorry, sirs," Coulson said. "They are war horses," he explained apologetically. "And very expensive. It's more than my life's worth to allow anything to happen to them." Clint screamed and drew up his wings for emphasis. 

"You take them, then," the man Tony had worried said. He got to his feet and rubbed his shoulder, cursing.

 

"I know a little of the mystic healing arts, Thor," Loki said once they reached one of the audience chambers, where a table was set up with food and wine. "Would you mind if I see what your learned physician has in his bag?"

Thor shrugged and poured a flagon of wine, handing it to Steve before he poured another for himself. "It's all one to me, brother."

Loki smiled at Bruce. "By your leave."

Bruce opened the bag and held it out, trembling. Loki pulled out a cloudy rock crystal wand, scarred and cracked, from the bag, and used it to stir the contents; wood carvings, poor quality semi-precious stones, cloth bags filled with dry herbs and small clay bottles and pots of unguents and salves stoppered with corks and wax. "Yes. I see. Excellent." He dropped the wand back in the bag and turned away from Bruce, who backed up into a corner draped with a tapestry depicting a battle, or perhaps a romance- it was too old and faded to tell.

"So," Loki said as he helped himself to a delicate pastry, "how did you and Sir Steve strike up a friendship? I sense a tale of valor." Loki's tone was mildly mocking.

"Valor, indeed!" Thor waved around a greasy chicken leg, taking bites in between words. "I was beset by ruffians two days after I left Asgard. Brother, you must look into the matter. Vermin should not nest so close to our walls." Thor leaned in close to Loki, who sidled away from his touch.

"Yes, you're quite right," Loki said. "Vermin should know their place." He moved to pick up another pastry. "But do go on, I wish to hear of your meeting with this noble knight."

Steve sipped his wine and said nothing. He flexed his fingers slightly within his gauntlets, and casually kept an eye on Bruce, who was now holding something pike-shaped and hidden in the folds of the tapestry. It was even easier for him to 'port something he'd made, he'd told them when they discussed this plan weeks ago.

Thor began describing the battle with the bandits, putting Steve in place of Coulson. He used his hands in increasingly bolder gestures. Droplets of chicken grease sprayed in the air. Loki backed further away, until he was standing in front of Bruce.

"Thor," Loki said, "have a care."

"What?" Thor made a particularly expressive move, and the chicken leg flew out of his hand to hit the staff and slide down to Loki's hand.

Loki exclaimed angrily and gripped the staff tighter, but his hand was slippery, and the staff was more slippery. It fell out of his hand. Steve bent over courteously to pick it up at the same time Loki lunged for it. Their heads collided with a solid _thunk_. Loki staggered back, dazed.

"I beg your pardon, my Lord Regent!" Steve picked up the staff and handed it back to him. "Please excuse my clumsiness!"

Loki snarled something wordless, and lifted the staff. "VERMIN! BE THOU VERMIN!" he shouted. Nothing happened. He looked at the staff. "That usually works."

Thor gave a deep sigh. "I had hoped the evil lay in the staff." He shook his head sadly. "Oh, brother, how you have strayed."

Loki drew a wickedly jagged knife from his belt. "What have you done?"

"Don't blame Thor," Bruce said mildly. He stepped away from the tapestry, holding the chaos staff horizontally between his hands, the blue gem glowing brightly. "I just took back what belonged to me. You shouldn't play with forces you don't understand."

"GIVE ME THAT!" Loki lunged forward. "GUARDS! GUARDS! TRAITORS!"

"You shouldn't do that," Steve said, backing up hastily and grabbing Thor by the cape to pull him out of the room. "You really shouldn't." Then the guards arrived and Steve and Thor were busy using hammer, shield and sword against the crowd, forced back by press of numbers down the corridor, away from the audience chamber just as Bruce roared and let the ogre out, shredding his mock wizard robes. His great wrists flexed and the staff snapped in two. A green mist full of slanted scarlet eyes and black-toothed mouths poured out of the cut ends. A hissing not-voice filled the room. "FREE! FREE AT LAST!"

The ogre growled and threw the pieces of the staff to the floor. Loki stared at it for less than a second before he looked up at the mist. "I COMMAND YOU, STRIKE DOWN MY ENEMIES!"

The mist chuckled. "I do as I WILL. ALL that I DID for YOU I UNDO! But I GRANT you a gift, Loki, because you have a LITTLE of my spirit." It turned to face the ogre. "I TAKE BACK the CHAOS in your soul! Be WEAK and DIE." 

The ogre cried out and fell to his knees, shrinking back down into Bruce. 

Loki was still holding his knife. 

Bruce looked up at Loki, and smiled. "I don't care. Really, I don't." He sat up and laid his hands in his lap, palms up. "You've lost, and I've won."

Loki snarled and lunged at Bruce. A naked red-headed woman ran into the room and jumped on Loki's back, putting one arm against his neck while she grabbed the wrist holding the knife with her other hand. "RUN, BRUCE!" she said, in Natasha's voice, only minus the raven caw.

"Run?" Bruce stood up. "Um. Yes. In a moment." Bruce grabbed a serving platter, and whacked Loki over the head with it. Loki sank to his knees, shaking his head. Bruce grabbed Natasha's arm. 

"I want to kill him," she said, shaking off his hand.

"Yes, yes, I know you want to eat his eyeballs, but later. We're at a disadvantage here, you know, and there's a lot of guards."

"Yes, we need weapons." Natasha snatched up Loki's knife, paused to kick him in the groin and then took the pointy half of the broken staff in her other hand before she ran out of the room. "Follow me."

"Actually, I meant that we needed clothes. Excuse me." Bruce stepped over Loki's groaning figure and picked up his carpet bag. The cracked crystal rod grew into a shining silver orb when he touched it. He tossed it at Loki and it engulfed him, growing larger and more transparent, until he could see Loki hitting at the inside of the sphere and mouthing soundless curses. Bruce nodded and began picking more little bits of stone from his carpet bag, while humming happily to himself.

 

Loki had bought a lot of mercenaries. Bruce and Natasha met Steve and Thor on the stairs, fighting their way down step by step. "It's Natasha! The spells are broken!" Bruce yelled when it looked as if Thor was going to bash her with his hammer.

"Pleased to meet you," Steve said in between throwing his shield and kicking guards down the steps. "Loki?"

"He's having a ball," Bruce said cheerily. He tossed more tiny stones that grew and captured people. 

They made it to the ground floor, and gathered back to back. "HO! This shall be an epic tale indeed!" Thor shouted and whaled on guards with Mjolnir.

"It would be nice," Natasha said, "if someone were around to tell it."

"It better be us," Steve said. "These guys are too stupid to tell a good story."

There was a sudden clatter of hooves, and Coulson burst through the door, riding on Jasper, with Clint standing on Jasper's broad rump, firing arrows. Tony followed, riding Storm bareback, and slashing about with a shining blue sword. Coulson was clothed. If you didn't count maniacal grins, neither Tony nor Clint were. Jasper slid to a stop with a grunt and bit the nearest guard.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

The roar made the ogre's best efforts seem feeble. The battle paused. Everyone looked up for the source of the voice. King Fury stood at the top of the staircase wearing a maroon velvet dressing gown. A naked woman stood next to him, looking with irritation down at the scene.

"HAIL, KING FURY!" Thor shouted, and in a few seconds everyone was shouting, "Hail!" even though the guards looked very confused.

Fury strode down the steps majestically, his dressing gown swirling around him. The woman followed. When she passed one of the guards she hissed and slapped him with her fingers curved into claws. "It isn't nice to kick cats."

The guard cringed, holding his hand over the cuts.

Fury kept walking. He came up to Thor and looked him over, then he glanced around at the others. Finally, he looked at the guards. "You know, I have a hunch that in about five minutes a whole lot of pissed off naked soldiers are gonna be barreling in here to hand you your asses. If I was you, my ass would be on the road outta Asgard by then. GET OUTTA MY PALACE!"

The guards held steady for a heartbeat, and then fled. 

Fury scowled. "Coulson, is there an explanation for all this?"

"Yes, King," Coulson said. 

Clint sat down on Jasper and put his arms around Coulson from behind. Coulson smiled and patted his arm. "It might be a little complicated."

Fury pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine, give me a report in the morning. Move into married officers quarters tomorrow... or whenever this mess is cleared up." Fury looked at the others. "Agent Natasha," he said with a nod, "good to see you."

Natasha lifted an eyebrow in acknowledgment.

"Mastersmith Tony, I recognize you." Fury sighed. "From far too many doors left open at the wrong time."

Tony grinned and took a bow from Storm's back.

"But who are these two gentlemen?" he asked, waving a hand at Bruce and Steve.

"My husbands!" Tony said gleefully.

"NO, TONY!" Bruce and Steve said simultaneously. Then they looked at each other, and back at Tony.

"I'm just a kid from Dirtybrook Alley. Steve Rogers, your royal highness," Steve said, "Lord Coulson asked me to help break the curse that turned people into animals and made you sleep."

"Bruce Banner, your highness," Bruce said awkwardly. "I'm just a hill-wizard."

"LIES," Tony said, "they are both amazing and wonderful and soon to be locked in permanent connubial bliss with me."

Steve blushed and Bruce covered his face with his hands.

"They're shy, but I'm working on them," Tony said, "wearing them down."

Fury looked at Bruce and Steve. "Gentlemen, I pity you."

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this prompt [ here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/4305.html?thread=3357137#t3357137).
> 
>  
> 
> _Clint/Coulson, Ladyhawke AU/shameless ripoff_
> 
>  
> 
> _Everyone has now seen the awesome earlier prompt/fill with Hawkeye shapeshifting into a real hawk, right? RIGHT. So the next perfectly logical step is a full-on lovers-tragically-separated-by-curse Ladyhawke homage, with Clint cursed to transform into a hawk by day and Coulson into a wolf by night, never again to meet, etcetera. Cue tragic romance with happy ending! You can use the original eclipse curse-breaker or make your own._
> 
>  
> 
> _Bonus points if they AREN'T a couple at the time and at first they think the curse isn't a big deal / is funny / is at most inconvenient. Only over time they realize they miss each other and slowly (through letters & Post-Its & stuff) fall in love and angst._
> 
>  
> 
> _(double bonus points if Tony tries to befriend wolf!Coulson with doggy treats. triple bonus points if hawk!Hawk lurks in the cafeteria ceiling and swoops down to steal people's lunches.)_


End file.
